antera309 3 Posted December 15, 2005 Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 Haynes Manual Translations Haynes: Disconnect battery negative terminal before starting workTranslation: Why? I only want to fill the washer bottle.Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: Bolt will be tight Translation: You havent a hope in hell! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some visegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, except what you need to do. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Link to post Share on other sites
six appeal 53 Posted December 15, 2005 Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 LMAO, quality! Thank god I got a Bentley manual ;o)Simon. Link to post Share on other sites
richievr 1 Posted December 15, 2005 Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 top one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!that's funny and about right for haynes ...... Link to post Share on other sites
silverline 0 Posted December 16, 2005 Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 LOL, great one. i think i can relate to every one of those! Link to post Share on other sites
itsame 0 Posted December 16, 2005 Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 very very good at work for ford in the workshop at the mo on lunch all the boys are in stitches!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted December 16, 2005 Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 LMAO, like that lots : ) Link to post Share on other sites
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