ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

[Russ_vr6 12]

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicenter in Canvey Island.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Pound land.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "wossthat gotta do wiv you?

no offence intended to anyone living in essex by the way

[purple highline monster 0]

he he, heres one that was "adapted" for where i live near!!!

MEDWAY HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Geeezer) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Medway in Kent in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Chatham. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed, and many drug deals were temporarily interupted so the scales could be re-set to zero, Many locals were woken well before they had go out and steal from cars or their giros arrived.

Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Chatham. One Local resident - Ibrahim AsZhmZakaZZZ karim Smith 01/01/85, said "cigrette" and "f*ck", as further news broke of the event it was reported that residents of Luton road had apparantly noticed No change to their surroundings, and many had continued drinking cans of cheap lager, threatening each other with knives, swearing at local shop keepers and playing stolen playstations whilst sat on flea bitten sofas in the front gardens of their state paid for rented accomodation, another resident Chantilly Shufflebottom a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Bianca-Kylie beyonce-Porsche came running into my bedroom crying and shouting "fakin el mam ya cuunt". My youngest three, Fahim, Sadam and Reebok slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was jacking up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Rizlas, Sunny Delight and sovereign fags to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

Several people from Bryant street flats were trapped near soap and running water for 4 hours, other locals Sergei Krakov and Garidus Balovski tried in vain to stop peoples clothing coming into contact with the soap and water to no avail.

One man only named as "Memet" was killed when he fell 2 feet and was tragicly sprayed with a deoderant, he was unable to be revived after the pleasant aroma contaminated his body odour he had been saving for the past 2 years

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

If anyone has an old stripped out Orion, Escort or a pile of rotting rubbish or an old fridge/oven/sofa spare that we can leave in the streets of the affected areas Normallity will soon be restored

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fake Louis Viton Hand bags

Black ladies leggings (the ones with dogs/cats hair all over them)

Large cheap looking jumpers (with dogs/cats hair over them) in appaling colours or Wolf print or tigers (to help cover the fat dimpled arse up in the Black leggings)

Flip Flops (the ones were people can see you havnt ever washed your feet for a month or two)

Baseball caps (particually the ones with dollar signs or "NY" embroidered on the front)

"Michigan" tops (his and hers)

Reebok Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Trainers (such as Nike Air "Traveller" or "Dustbin")

"Addor" plastic trainers

also welcomed are Large linked Gold chains and Bracelets, and tipper backed transits with mercedes hub caps on

*Please do not send underwear this is considered un hygenic as one pair of pants & socks is enough to last these people in this area 6 months at least *

Required foodstuffs include:

White Lightning Cider

Anything with Blue and white stripes on from Tesco

out of date crisps or chocolate from any of the multitude of 99p or pound shops in the area

and anything with foreign writing on the packaging that looks like its been illegaly imported to the UK from the Balkans or russia/lithuania

.

***Breaking news***

Polish rescue workers from Carpaux Close said the smell from all the bodies is horendous, and now theres dead ones it will be worse

[lee060 3]

lol hehehe