liverpool olympics

[pete8tch 0]

> Liverpool Olympic bid

> > In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic

> > committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2004, the organizers

> of

> > Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy

> of

> > which was leaked and is reproduced below.

> >

> > OPENING CEREMONY

> > The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of

> the

> > city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in

a

> > large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.

> >

> > THE EVENTS

> > In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been

> > particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

> events

> > have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

> >

> > 100 METRES SPRINT

> > Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one

in

> > each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be

> > released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

> >

> > 110 METRES HURDLES

> > As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden

> fences,

> > walls etc).

> >

> > HAMMER

> > Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

> > (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most

> > grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

> >

> > FENCING

> > Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery

> as

> > possible in 5 minutes.

> >

> > SHOOTING

> > A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first

> > target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors

will

> > aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages

> > deliveryman.

> >

> > BOXING

> > Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and

will

> > take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of

lager

> > while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.

The

> > bout will then commence.

> >

> > CYCLING TIME TRIALS

> > Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and

take

> an

> > expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away

> > from home. All against the clock.

> >

> > CYCLING PURSUIT

> > As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the

> Australian

> > rugby team, who will witness the theft.

> >

> > MODERN PENTATHLON

> > Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding

and

> > arson.

> >

> > THE MARATHON

> > A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued

> with

> > sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round

the

> > course.

> >

> > SWIMMING

> > Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor's

> back

> > will decide the medals.

> >

> > MEN'S 50KM WALK

> > Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot

> guarantee

> > the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

> >

> > THE CLOSING CEREMONY

> > Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the

> > Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized

rock

> > throwing, and music by the Kirkby Community Choir. The Olympic flame

will

> be

> > extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the

> top

> > floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will

> be

> > boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the

> copper

> > piping and the central heating boiler.

> >

[Eat this 2]

hehe