Geastb 0 Posted December 16, 2004 Report Share Posted December 16, 2004 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in." "So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice cream'. He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said, 'We'll start with one.'He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. I'll get me coat............... Link to post Share on other sites
RALA 0 Posted December 16, 2004 Report Share Posted December 16, 2004 LOL. Not bad.. Link to post Share on other sites
Geastb 0 Posted December 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2004 Some good ones in there i thought! Link to post Share on other sites
Batfink 0 Posted December 16, 2004 Report Share Posted December 16, 2004 So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". lol Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts