Funnys

[Jamesr_VR6 0]

Extracts from council letters

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has Backfired and burnt my knob off..

3.. I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that

blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8... Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is Cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up

and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the

noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[The Monk 50]

[hvr6 88]

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'

etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????

[The Monk 50]

There is no offense intednded with this post but I found this funny. Remember, this is supposed to be taken in good humor.

You have been warned, so any offense taken and directed back at me for posting this will result in copious amounts of smirking and laughter that offense takers ignored the warning.

Chav characteristics

1, Driving about in modified cars...often with:

A) Tin cans attatched to to the exhaust to enable everyone for miles around to hear gear changes and acceleration carried out by the CHAVS in 1L engined cars.....wow....just..wow.

A spoiler, the name says it all. CHAVS ARE really intelligent. They believe putting a modification that is used for downforce on rear wheel drive cars with 300+ bhp V6's or V8's, onto a front wheel drive car with 98bhp and a total of 4 cylinders! will help their driving. Yeah, you need to keep that sort of power in check don't ya

C) Tinted windows......for the Ugly, spotty and self concious CHAV.

D) Brand Labels.(Alipine, Sony, Kenwood), Put across the back and front windows of the modified cars in bold letters. This is to inform any possible thief about the contents of the car. Very clever, Good work.

2) Hanging around in groups of up to 30 CHAVS. Usually found on the park bench with the cheapest cider known to man and a bag of chips. Outside shop entrances blocking doorways with no intention of buying anything....

3) Aggression to others. This is a comman act, carried out by CHAVS when they number more then 2 and the victim is alone minding his/her own business. Having other CHAVS around somehow manages to give them a hard-on..... i mean a sense of superiority. If a CHAV has a hard-on and is looked at by anybody other than their own kind, they have to show the public who's in charge. This is when an attack occurs.

The attack usually starts with and involves a mouthy bastard with 4 or more CHAV friends behind him to show the victim that the mouthy bastard is hard. That is when all of the CHAVS turn into monkeys and start swinging their arms and legs in an attempt to hopefully hit the lone victim. Once the victim is down, the CHAVS continue kicking, stamping, punching and spitting at the victim to make sure that everyone knows they are still hard. Once the victim is almost dead, they walk away shouting and threatning the UNCONCIOUS (unable to hear) victim in some unknown language. Further adding to our beliefs about there intelligence.

AND FINALLY

4) Dress. The typical CHAV has no dress sense and will usually be seen wearing crap tracksuit bottoms tucked into a pair of crap sport socks....wearing a pair of crap imitaion rockports. A crap jacket and crap burberry baseball caps are usually worn too.

THE REASON CHAVS ALL WALK AROUND WITH THERE KNUCKLES DRAGGING ON THE FLOOR ISN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE HARD....NO...IT'S BECAUSE THEY HAVE TOO MUCH CHEAP METAL ON THEIR FINGERS.

[Moochalargo 0]

Extracts from council letters

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has Backfired and burnt my knob off..

3.. I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that

blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked' date=' where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8... Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is Cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up

and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the

noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[/quote']

So funny i almost fell of my seat laughing8o| muppets!!

[The Monk 50]

[kie_dub 0]

Health and safety....whats the world coming to....Lets all get in a sleigh, pulled by the loudest possible car known to man, and laugh very VERY loudly all the way down to the HSE..amen