0800 mental health

[Bampson 0]

As an ongoing improvement to the very successful NHS Direct phone service, there is now a similar service for mental health.

Dial 0800 WIBBLE to access, then choose from one of the following options.

'If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 1;

If you are obsessive compulsive press 2 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6,

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want. Please hold while we trace your call;

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship;

If you are schizophrenic please listen carefully and the little voices will tell you what to do;

If you are manic depressive press any button, no-one will answer;

If you are dislexic press 969959546566458994442669559339;

If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hash key until the operator comes on the line;

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, national insurance number and mother's maiden name;

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep;

If you have short-term memory loss press 9; If you have short-term memory loss press 9; If you have short-term memory loss press 9 ;If you have short-term memory loss press 9;

If you are paranoid-schizophrenic please hold; You will answer yourself shortly;

If you have low self-esteem please hang up. The operators are too busy to talk to you