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Your 2008 Joke thread


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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse kitchen & shouts,

"Mummy, the bull is £ucking one of our cows!",

His Mum says "Johnny, you should say that the bull is surprising the cow rather than use that rude word!"

5minutes later Johnny runs in & says "The bull is surpising ALL of the cows!"

"He can't do that" says Mum.

"Yes he can, he's £ucking the horse!"

Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it.

Would you consider 5hagging it for £500?"

Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions.

1st I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd. My family must never find out

3rd. I need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

Just heard Mark Speight was found covered in poster paint, he was shredded with scissors

and sprinkled in glitter!

Police think he died of an art attack!

What does Mark Speight and a duffel bag have in common?

They're both found hanging around Paddington!............................. (Paddington Bear/station)

If you think passengers spending 24 hours at terminal 5 is bad!

I know someone was hanging around in Paddington station for 6 days.

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For the first time in their lives, an Amish boy and his father were in a big-city mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order Finally the walls opened up again and a large-breasted gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Go get your mother.'

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Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts, and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and jump up and down

several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison:

We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go in and Dolly said 'look at these, they're the most perfect boobs God ever created' and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel asked the Queen the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a lavatory and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

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As a trucker in Essex

stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up

alongside.

She jumps out of her

car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the

trucker lowers the

window, and she says,

'Hi, my name is Sharon

and you are losing some of your load.'

The trucker ignores her

and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops

for another red light,

the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car,

runs up and knocks on

the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. And

as if they've never

spoken, the blonde says brightly,

'Hi, my name is Sharon

, and you are losing some of your load!' Shaking his

head, the trucker

ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light,

the same thing happens again. All out of breath,

the blonde gets out of

her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The

trucker lowers the

window again she says,

'Hi, my name is Sharon

and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns

green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light

when he stops this time,

he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back

to the blonde.

He knocks on her window,

and as she lowers it, he says.......

.........Hi, my name is

Kevin and I'm driving a f*cking gritter!'

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A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here, and you could have ! '

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  • 2 weeks later...

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!) For all of you , with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say:

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office..He was to telephone his Mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said,

She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come to school and pick me up !

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A man gets home from work.. tells his wife

"Get me a beer before it starts"

he drinks it and then says

"get me another before it starts"

again she gets it he drinks it and says

"another before it starts"

she says, "listen here you lazt fat C%*T you walk in sit down & start barking orders at me"

He says "phuck me its started"

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a man takes his girlfriend home for the first time to meet his parents but he tells her "i must warn you that they are both deaf & dumb"

They arrive at the house and walk in the living room only to find his mum with a beer bottle up her fanny and his dad sitting there with his nuts out with matchsticks keeping his eyes open!

The girlfriend yells "what the phuk is this?"

"Oh dont worry its sign language! my mum is saying "get the beers in ya C*^t and dads saying "Bolox im watching the match"

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hi lads im new, just found this thread thought id add a few.

a rich guy gets his girlfriend a bmw and a ring, that way if she didnt like the ring she could take it back and keep the beemer.

a poor guy gets his wife some slippers and a dildo... that way if she didntlike the slippers she could go fucck her self.

---------------------------------

i went out with a girl last night who said she wanted to be treated like a princesses so being the gentalman i am

i put her in the back of my merc and drove into a wall

-----

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